Befriending the Bully 

The voice that beats you up is just trying to keep you safe.

When I talk about “beating myself up,” I mean the voice in my head that says things like:
You’re weak. You’ll never change. Why don’t you ever get it right?

I used to think the voice hated me. Coaching helped me see that it wasn’t evil — it was scared. It wanted to protect me from feeling embarrassment, shame, or rejection ever again. The problem was, it used cruelty as armor.

Our inner critic isn’t a villain. She’s a part of us who learned to yell whenever we might get hurt. The trick is NOT to try silencing her because she gets more scared and screams more loudly. We want to retrain her so she can be our friend instead of a bully.

Here are two techniques that can help.

1. The Toddler Technique

If you had a toddler learning to walk and she fell down, would you scold her? Of course not. You’d cheer her on, scoop her up, and help her try again.

Learning new habits works the same way. You’re going to wobble sometimes. You might trip. But that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re learning.

Try offering yourself the same grace you’d give a child finding her balance. It feels good to be supported.

2. The Helpful Employee Technique

Imagine your inner critic as a loyal employee who takes her job a little too seriously. She’s constantly warning you of danger because she wants to protect you from getting hurt by painful emotions.

What if, instead of firing her, you gave her a promotion?

Thank her for her years of service, then hand her a new job description. Her new mission: protect you from harsh self-talk.

Write down the messages you want her to repeat instead — words that lift and support you:

• I’m learning. I’m getting better at this.
• I’m growing stronger every day.
• I deserve patience and kindness.

When she slips into old habits (and she will), gently remind her, “We don’t do that anymore.” Then reread your new list of truths.

Over time, she’ll learn.

Retraining the inner critic isn’t about perfection. It’s about turning self-punishment into a loving partnership — and that’s the shift that changes everything.

Grow on!
Create a list of messages that lift and support you. Think about supportive things you would say to your best friend and add those to your list.

Keep your list handy, and when you hear the old voices, or feel the weight of shame pressing you down, take a nice deep breath and read the list.

Each time you become aware of negative self-talk, you can choose to gently practice shifting to the new thoughts. I invite you to celebrate yourself each time you catch it and shift!