I feel confident in saying that one of the larger underlying goals of most body transformation goals is to increase the amount that we like ourself, and be more happy.
I might like myself better in that special occasion dress, or maybe I like myself better as a potential employee at an upcoming interview. Maybe I believe that I will be more likable to possible romantic partners once I achieve my goal. I will like my life journey more when I reach that goal! I’ll like the way I look in my vacation photos more once I look a certain way. Along our path we became conditioned to believe that we are “not enough” and that our body is not good enough. “If my body’s not good enough by cultural standards, I can’t love my body. If I can’t love my body, I have to hate it.” But we know we’ll like ourselves much more once the body transformation goal is met.
Here’s the fucking problem ~
We try to hate ourselves to the goal! We may restrict calories, skip meals, increase workouts that we hate, over commit to new changes, get on the scale every day, get discouraged by weight fluctuations, overeat to soothe our emotions, then beat the crap out of ourselves for not being perfect at body transformation in every way. We compound our brutal physical treatment of ourselves by brutally beating ourselves mentally for what we see as our own failure.
If this sounds familiar to you, please know you are not alone. This is pretty common human behavior. It’s the way we’ve been trained to go after our body transformation goals, and we’re beginning to realize that it’s doomed to failure. We simply cannot hate ourselves into liking ourselves more. The path to love and friendship is not paved with hate and shame.
No one has ever been motivated by shame.
Shame and self-hate take us in the opposite direction of our goals.
Let’s shift for a minute from a body transformation goal to a reading transformation goal.
Imagine you have a child who is struggling in reading. The teacher tells you they are behind the rest of their class. Would we shame and belittle them into reading better? Would we hate them until they catch up with the rest of the class? Would we tell them that we can’t love them until they are a better reader? Of course not! This course of action would not only damage the psyche, it would cause the child to hate reading.
Will we create success by insisting they do exercises they hate or by finding fun ways to grow their love of reading? Will they gain more confidence if we yell at them each time they are imperfect or if we are supportive and encouraging each time they perform well?
How can we shift this same loving approach to our weight and body challenges?
Rule #1 ~ Don’t beat yourself up.
Our healing journey is a roller coaster full of ups and downs. We need to be easy with ourselves as we learn what works for us, and what does not work. As I mentioned in a previous post, there are no magic fucking beans. There is no magic pill, nor is there one right way to do relationship to food and body, nor one right way to eat.
For these reasons, we are the scientist in our own body transformation journey. Through trial and error we will find what is best for us individually, though it might not be right for anyone else! What does not work is not “failure.” Rather it is valuable information to inform our future choices!
"The more you beat yourself up for doing something you said you didn’t want to do, the more you will continue to return to the ‘scene of the crime’ and you will continue to do the very same thing that you said you didn’t want to do - NOT because there is something wrong with you - but because that is how body wisdom, and life wisdom teaches us. We learn through repetition, so body wisdom, life wisdom will return us to the scene of the crime - life classroom - until we learn to integrate the lessons. Until we learn to love ourselves, until we learn to stop beating ourselves up because we did something we said we didn’t want to do. Until we learn to forgive self."
~ Marc David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, and author of Nourishing Wisdom: A Mind-Body Approach to Nutrition and Well-Being
Body transformation starts with love, not hate.
If you’re feeling shame or hate about self or body, please remember you’re not alone. You didn’t make this stuff up – it’s embedded in our culture. Shame and hate feel icky because they do not belong to our true vibration (our true vibration is unconditional love). Since they don’t belong to us, we can choose to simply let them go! Check out two ways to do this below in the “Grow on!” section.
Letting go of body shame and self-hate is the ESSENTIAL, non-negotiable first step toward every body transformation goal. We can’t transform the body while simultaneously beating it up. Healing transformation can never happen in the presence of the toxic body chemistry created by shame and hate.
True body transformation is possible
Every body transformation is a unique journey, a process that requires time and love. Making the shift from hate to love is possible. If you’d like some help making that shift a reality, you can schedule a private chat with me at THIS LINK, or check out my Body Transformation group at THIS LINK.
Grow on!
Here are two techniques that are wonderfully useful in letting go of negative emotions like shame and hate that do not serve us.
Grounding it – When you become aware of feeling shame or self-hate, remind yourself that it is not yours and you don’t have to carry it. Take a deep breath and as you exhale, simply drop it onto the ground. Imagine it pouring out of your palms onto the ground until it is gone and you feel lighter.
Give it to the light – The vibration of shame and hate can feel BIG. See it shrinking smaller and smaller until it fits in the palm of your hand, or on the tip of one finger. Hold it up and offer it to the Light. You feel lighter as the light easily removes the unwanted emotion.