Lose vs. Choose
We can’t lose weight, not really.
Nobody enjoys losing. Losing goes against our nature. Humans generally prefer winning to losing. (See my blog post: Losing Weight is Not for Winners)
However, I have learned that we can choose to set down the things that weigh on us.
The things that weigh us down are unique to each of us, though many patterns are surprisingly common. Some of them will feel easy to set down, while others may take some deeper exploration to release.
I give examples of weighty topics below. Some may resonate for you, or point to a thread of a similar topic that is ready to unravel.
Ultimately you are the only person who can decide what weighs on you. And once you have identified something—anything at all—that weighs on you, I gently invite you to just set that shit down.
The Light of Awareness
Sometimes we carry shit for years without even realizing that we’re clutching it like a life raft. So it stands to reason that we can’t set it down until we’re aware that it’s there.
Usually the first awareness comes in the form of a physical sensation in your body. Pay attention to what you feel and where you feel it.
Can you remember a time when you felt a heavy emotion? Maybe it felt like a sinking feeling, physical tension somewhere, or a twist in your solar plexus?
That is your clue—a message from your body—there is something weighing on you, and you can choose to set it down.
The Weight of Shame
Few emotions feel as heavy as shame. Luckily it’s also one of the easiest to set down—as soon as we learn to recognize and name it.
According to Brené Brown:
Shame is an intensely painful, self-conscious emotion. It arises from a negative self-evaluation—the belief that you are flawed, inadequate, or unworthy of love, connection, or belonging because of something you’ve experienced, done, or failed to do.
Most of us have felt shame, and if we recall the incident, we often also recall the feeling of shame within our body. Pay attention to THAT very feeling (whatever physical symptoms it presents in your own body) and when you identify it as the feeling of shame, remind yourself that shame does NOT belong to you. You do not need to carry it!
Take a nice deep breath and set that shit down.
The Voice of Judgment
Not only is self-criticism HEAVY to carry around, it’s one of the top reasons people feel the need to soothe with comfort foods. Self-criticism makes us feel crappy. Comfort foods make us feel happy (at least for a while). Self-criticism leaves us feeling rejected. Foods never reject us. Carbs never criticize us.
The inner critic weighs us down, and soothing our self-judgment with food can also become a problem with weight. So when you hear the self-critical voices in your head telling you you’re not good enough, or should have figured it out by now, or chastising you for soothing with food again, remember that you do not need to carry the weight of your own harsh judgement.
Do yourself a favor, and set that shit down. You’ll be amazed how much LIGHTER you feel!
Beyond Cultural & Familial Expectations
What is true for one person is not true for all, and sometimes people confuse what feels right and best to them with what is right or best for everyone.
Many of us inherit invisible “rules” from our family or society before we’re old enough to question them. We’re told who we are supposed to be, who we are supposed to love, what kind of career we are supposed to want, what our body should look like, what success should look like, and how to ‘behave’ so we don’t disturb the calm waters preferred by those doing the rule making.
Living someone else’s vision for your life is like wearing a mask. When the authentic self you were born to be feels trapped, the mask becomes very heavy, and constantly performing can feel exhausting.
Our family, culture, or community handed us some of these expectations out of love, and some out of fear, but just because they handed it to you does NOT mean you are obligated to carry it. When you become aware that certain expectations you have been handed do not fit your life, just set that shit down!
And if you’re saying, “I can’t set it down, I’ll disappoint THEM,” I offer this quote from one of my all time favorite books, Untamed by Glennon Doyle
“Every time you’re given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
Disappointing others can feel heavy. Disappointing yourself every day is much, much heavier.
Releasing Resentment
Resentment is what happens when we continue carrying an old hurt long after the event itself has passed. Over time, the original pain can transform into something heavier. We spend time replaying and rewriting the incident and what we ‘should’ have said. We carry not just the memory, but the shame, anger or guilt that stem from it. We carry the resented person in our minds. That is a LOT of toxic energy to carry.
Setting that shit down does not mean what happened was okay. It means choosing not to let the wound continue occupying space in your body and mind. It means not letting it weigh heavy on your heart. It means choosing to reclaim the energy the pain is draining from you.
Setting that shit down allows you to carry one less thing that needs soothing.
Shame, self-criticism, expectations, and resentment all create a kind of emotional heaviness. And when we’re carrying emotional weight, many of us turn to food for comfort, relief, distraction, or soothing.
Food Sensitivity
How does one know if they are “sensitive” to certain foods?
Frequently the first signs are signals from the body. Decades before my naturopath told me I was sensitive to dairy, I knew it. There were signs. I chose to disregard them, but they persisted.
I craved and consumed cheese the way addicts crave and consume drugs.
That may sound a little dramatic, but there’s some science behind it. According to research published by the National Library of Medicine (article link), casomorphins are bioactive, opioid-like peptides released during the digestion of milk proteins. They have morphine-like properties and can bind to opioid receptors in the brain, gut, and immune system.
I got foggy headed after eating a lot of cheese, and discovered that I could use it to numb myself. I adored cheese, so―much like an addict―it wasn’t until I was very sick that I was willing to listen to the symptoms.
Some people feel the same way about processed sugar, or fast foods. According to nutritionist Kate Shaw, we actually get a little “high” from foods we are allergic to which contributes to our desire to eat them. Of course, that makes it easy to eat more than we want to or need to, which in turn adds to the weight we carry.
When we find ourselves eating when we don’t really want to, or eating more than we need at meals, we can become frustrated, embarrassed, or resentful. These difficult emotions can then lead us to seek out more comfort foods to soothe our discomfort. The food itself may add physical weight, but the shame, frustration, and self-judgment that often accompany overeating can feel even heavier.
And if we’re carrying an emotional load, soothing with food is a strategy that makes us feel better.
What if the heaviest thing isn’t the food itself? What if the real weight comes from the judgment you’re carrying about yourself for soothing with food?
Once you become aware that you are feeling shame around your eating patterns, take a nice deep breath and set that shit down. You are human. Having a human moment using a very human method of self-soothing.
Once we set down the heavy emotions of shame or judgement, we can breathe more deeply, and see things more clearly.
And when we feel lighter, we become ready to release other things that are weighing us down. If our emotions are lighter, there is often less need to soothe with food, which can in turn help release some of the physical weight we’ve been carrying.
And then there’s the Food…
Sometimes the food itself can also contribute to that feeling of heaviness.
Unlike a swollen ankle or puffy eyes, inflammation in the digestive tract is hidden from view. It can easily be mistaken for simply carrying a few extra pounds around the midsection. Sometimes what we think is weight gain may actually be bloating, swelling, or fluid retention caused by foods our bodies are struggling to tolerate.
In this way, food sensitivities can become another source of weight we carry, not only emotionally, but physically. They can leave us feeling uncomfortable, sluggish, and heavy in our own bodies.
So how does one know if they are sensitive to certain foods if they don’t notice obvious symptoms?
There are tests available through some healthcare providers, though they can take a couple of weeks and may be pricey. A better option is an elimination diet, which can provide more precise insights for a lot less money. I talk more about elimination diets in my post Listen to Your Body.
Basically, you make a list of foods you suspect may be causing issues, stop eating them for about two weeks, and then reintroduce them one at a time, paying close attention to how your body feels. It’s a brilliant tool that I recommend frequently because it allows you to discover how specific foods affect you personally.
Once you discover which foods leave you feeling inflamed, sluggish, bloated, or heavy, you have valuable information. You can choose to set those foods down some of the time, most of the time, or all of the time.
No one says you have to set down foods that are weighing on you. You are the only person who gets to choose what you feed your body, mind, and spirit.
And if you discover that certain foods leave you feeling heavy, sluggish, and low on energy, I’m going to gently invite you to at least consider setting that shit down.
Living Lighter
When most people think about weighing less, they think about restricting food, counting calories, extreme workouts, and a certain number on the scale.
But the scale only measures one kind of weight.
It cannot measure the weight of shame or self-criticism. It cannot measure the weight of trying to be who someone else wants you to be. It will never calculate the enormous weight of old hurts, old stories, old resentments, or the exhausting effort of carrying things we were never meant to carry.
Yet those burdens often feel far heavier than anything measured in pounds.
The truth is that life will continue handing us things. Some of them are ours to carry. Some are not. Much of what weighs us down was picked up unconsciously along the way.
The good news is that setting shit down can be as easy as ABC:
Awareness
Breath
Choice
Awareness comes first.
In the moment you recognize what you are carrying, take a nice deep Breath.
Then you get to choose whether to hold on to it or release it. Simply ask yourself: Does this belong to me?
If the answer is no:
Set. That. Shit. Down.
Whatever it is: You are allowed to release it.
You are allowed to stop carrying what hurts.
You are allowed to stop carrying what no longer serves you.
You are allowed to stop carrying what was never yours in the first place.
The real secret to becoming lighter is not losing. It’s choosing.
Choosing what deserves your energy.
Choosing what deserves your attention.
Choosing what deserves space in your heart and your life.
And choosing, again and again, to set down everything else.
Because you were never meant to carry the whole world.
And you might be surprised by how light you feel when you finally set that shit down.
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